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What's going on?
11:45 PM
I kept telling myself that i cannot afford to screw up again before the maths test on monday. But when i got back my paper today and saw my results, i was sure that i screwed up again. Horribly.
13.5/25 this time. Worse than the 15/25 for the previous test. But whatever, both are bad. To think that i passed by 1 mark for this maths test? Pathetic.
My maths tutor spoke to me after tutorial today. Asking me what happened again. She asked me abt it too, for the previous test. I wasn't feeling as depressed initially but as i spoke to her, my eyes became watery and i starting choking back on my words. It's weird. I rarely feel so upset over tests and results to the point that i'm on the verge of crying. Gosh. I sound so much like a loser. Several classmates were there during that time, and i believe if they would have clearly noticed what was happening, they would have seen the most vulnerable side of me for the first time in like almost one and a half years in JC.
Maybe i'm too much of a perfectionist that i can't really take failures and imperfections. I am too concerned over the outcome. I wasn't really sad over the marks i got, but rather, more of anger and disappointment with myself. Like what i've mentioned before, it's all about personal expectations. I admit that for the previous test, i didn't put in enough effort. But for this one, i read every single example in the notes, studied the tutorials and assignments, and conscientiously did the revision exercise given. I really wonder what went wrong. My teacher feels that i'm too stressed. Stressed? Or maybe it's just plain stupidity.
It's not about passing or failing. It's about living up to personal expectations, goals and targets. Although i'm already kinda used to not getting outstanding results in JC, but when my results are really far from good, a part of me still gets really annoyed and bothered.
Gone were the glory days. 3rd for PSLE in my primary school. Then slowly i slipped in secondary school. But thankfully still managing a presentable result for my Os. But in JC, especially in JC2, it seems like a never-ending downward slope. What about the As? I wouldn't dare imagine. The future seems so bleak for me now.
2 maths screw ups in a row. Plus all the constant stumbles in chemistry and physics. Makes me feel so ashamed of myself.
It sucks when i get crap results. It sucks even more when i get crap results and when people around initially say that the test was a goner for them but yet their results show otherwise. But ok yes. I'm guilty of doing that SOMETIMES in the PAST too.
JC2 sure seems like a huge mess to me now, a mess too huge to salvage.
I think i'll most probably get over it in a few days. Guess i'll just have to brace myself and continue working hard. No point crying over spilt milk right? Yea, that's always the course of action when things like these happen.
I haven't given up. I hope i never do. =) |
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